The Tiny Soul

Hello readers,

My journey continues to develop from a series of confusion, anger, bitterness, restlessness, disgust, and excited all at the same time.

The world feels so small when you feel alone in a place that has no hope.

•••

Working two jobs, married life, friendships, church life, and family feels unbearable at times. This season is causing me to dive deeper and deeper into a place of darkness only feeling like I need to push harder and harder out of this place. Yet, only recognizing there’s a strength that is beyond my control that could only lift me out of this place.

“The joy of the Lord is my strength” I keep reminding myself-

But, why do I feel so low and depressed? What void am I trying to feel in my heart? What do I really need?

Matthew 5:3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I need you… ohh I need you… Every hour I need you. My rock… Help me God. Help me in my distress…

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the UNWHOLLY substance

Its currently 3am.

The Mr. J had a friend [ryyo] over tonight for counsel, guidance, and encouragement. Ryro’s friendship was definitely needed tonight for my husband. It encouraged me to see the work that God had been doing through Ryro to Mr. J. Then to m e. 

8 hours ago: I made chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, peanut butter cookies, and french lemon macarons. Insane?  I guess I had a baking craving… no! I had decided tonight would have been the perfect night to hang out with my kitchen aid and bake some neighborly-friendly cookies. I got a lot accomplished! Unfortunately, some did not turn out the way that I had expect them to turn out.

Expectations.

The word expectations hit me tonight. It was the definition for my depression this season. I would love to set my “expectations” aside and be able to just b r e a t h e God’s beauty.

Its difficult to focus on reality that almost feels invinsible; however, what is invinsible? The fact that I can’t see or feel God? THE problem is that I am choosing not to see God- or experience God in and around me. In fact, He is in me right now because His spirit is within me! I know this stuff… but why am I lacking faith?

An hour ago, as my husband gets ready to knock out on the couch after sharing with me his thoughts: Mr. J shared that God can DO the impossible. What seems to be almost unbelievable is God doing the “which I thought was almost impossible.” Therefore, God’s possible IS the impossible. 

God wants us to recognize, feel, acknowledge, and trust in His beauty and goodness of the current season we are currently in. He knew that the every minute, hour, and month of this season… the people He had allowed to surround us with… the storm we are currently in… but beyond the storm, there is THAT rainbow of God’s promise that comes after the storm (which I cannot seem to see right now… but I know its there!).

God cares not about what we type of career we end up with in this life, type of clothing we wear, how much money we have saved, etc.

He cares about our H O L I N E S S!

Straying away from that thought scared me to think that I had the “right” to be upset & depressed and feeling I “deserve” better; when in fact, I DON’T deserve any better. I have all I have in Jesus Christ. His blood that shed for my sins so I would earn His justification, clothe in His righteousness, and be called HIS b e l o v e d

Ohh… God’s love, mercy, & grace overwhelms my heart tonight. 

I need to take this season, one day at a time. Not for anyone but God, knowing this life is not mine to take, but His. I have been missing the “mark” of course 😉 because I’m a sinner saved by grace. I WILL make mistakes but through and by His grace, I am able. .. .able to be filled with His joy, His heart, being made FULL of His love, that I would not fill up toward  being unwholly… but strive towards holiness, for the sake of my sinful heart.

New Year. New Chapter. New me?

I admit. I’m scared. Full of fear. Envy.

          and worse d e p r e s s e d…

It’s 2:30am as I write this first blog. I realized since I’m up- why not start a blog? lets explode my heart & soul on here!

Slight intro_

My names mrs. e. I’m 26 years old. 27 this March. Married (2years & 3 months) to mr. j, who is an amazing man and wonderful husband. (Praise be to God!) We live  in a humble abode that costs next to nothing. We both work. I, a behavioral technician. Him, a businessman striving to own his own business. no kids yet. We accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord & Savior at a somewhat young time of our lives. We love the outdoors, fun or uplifting reads, thrifting, and trying out quality & yummy foods! oh- I forgot sleep. 😉

Forward//

i have total faith that God is good. ALL the time. So why am I scared?

Insecurities? Doubts? … Ok. no good reason.

I HAVE A GOD BIGGER THAN MY THOUGHTS!

I had seen this quote once:

“Don’t tell God how big the storm is, Tell the storm how BIG your God is!”

T h a n k u Lord.

goodnight.